Jokes and Humour for Atheists and Agnostics

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?...Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

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What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

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An Atheist dies and, to his surprise, finds himself met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter reviews the man's record and tells him, "Well, even though you didn't believe in any deities, you led a good, moral life. It is especially good that you did so without expecting any eternal reward. So we are going to let you into Heaven."
St. Peter then assigns an angel to take the Atheist on an indoctrination tour. During the tour, the Atheist sees Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, other Atheists, and people of all religions. He also notices a high wall in a far corner of Heaven. When the tour ends, the angel asks him if he has any questions. The man asks, "What's behind the high wall in the corner?" 

The angel replies, "That's where we put the Christians. They think they're the only people up here."

A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
the man goes over and says "oh what cute kittens!" the boy replies "yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" the boy replies "yes, they are atheist kittens" the man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" the boy looks at the man and says " yeah but they have their eyes open now"

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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists can’t claim that god did it.

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This guy needs to win the lottery really badly he thinks it will help get his life on track, so he kneels down to pray. He says "God if you let me win the lottery I will pay my tithe every year and never complain about it." He doesn't win.
The next week he gets down on his knees again and says,"God if you just let me win the lottery I will give my tithe and then some to the church and help the local orphans find good loving homes." 

He doesn't win again.
The next week he again prays and says,"God I will pay for a modest home and a gently used car and give all the rest to good charities in your name and the church if you just let me win the lottery." 

Yet again, he doesn't win.
Finally the next week he is so mad and he prays,"God what do you want from me? I don't know what else to promise. Why can't I win the lottery." Suddenly a big booming voice comes from the heavens and says, "Would you buy a fucking ticket already, geez."

An Atheist and a Christian get in a car wreck together. The Atheist sees the Christian's crucifix necklace and begins talking about how lucky they are to be alive, and the Christian says God granted it. The atheist is surprised to find an unbroken and unopened bottle of vintage wine by the roadside. "God has decided to bless us twice today!" says the Christian. "Let's not put it to waste then!" says the Atheist, handing the Christian the wine. The Christian takes two big gulps then hands it back to the Atheist. The Atheist in turn, without drinking, puts the cork back in the bottle and says, "I think I'll just wait until the police get here before I celebrate."

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
God.
Who?
God.
Who?
God.
Must be the wind.

'Christian Voice' call for ban on Twilight's calendar

The Article

I found this article in the free paper 'METRO'

Christian Voice says mixing religion with the cult vampire series is ‘deeply offensive’ to Christians.
‘It’s sickening to see the message of Jesus Christ being hijacked to peddle a brand like Twilight, which to all intents and purposes proclaims an anti-religious cult,’ said Stephen Green, national director of the group.

'Twilight may be fiction, but it is dangerous to mix-up such a story in the minds of impressionable children with that of the Nativity.' 

Stephen Green - Christian Voice

The Twilight Eclipse calendar features a picture of actress Kristen Stewart, and her two rivals in love - Edward the vampire, played by Robert Pattinson, and Jacob the werewolf, portrayed by Taylor Lautner. 


Tesco apologised if anyone was offended but said it always gives customers a choice, adding: 'Twilight is a very popular brand and we aim to provide the types of products our customers would like to buy.'


My Reply

I thought it was ridiculous so I decided to email Christian Voice about it:

Dear Christian Voice,

Whilst travelling home on the train after a day at university, I picked up a copy of the free newspaper - METRO. In it I saw an article concerning a row between your organisation and a large supermarket chain over a Twilight themed advent calendar. Despite the fact that I can't wait to see the back of Twilight, I found your stance on the matter very confusing, considering the reasons (below) voiced by your very own national Director, Stephen Green.
"It's sickening to see the message of Jesus Christ being hijacked to peddle a brand like Twilight, which to all intents an purposes proclaims an anti-religious cult."
Mixing religion with the cult-vampire series is "deeply offensive" to Christians.

Firstly, I imagine that by 'the message of Jesus Christ' you are talking about the many references to chocolate filled advent calendars that are a littered throughout the New Testament. Unfortunately, I don't remember any mentions of these novelties in the psalms, letters to the Corinthians; neither have I heard any stories of the apostles opening the first windows on their calendars and asking each other if their chocolates are also shaped like baby Jesus. Could you explain to me how having Doctor Who, The Simpsons or Father Christmas on these calendars is promoting 'the message of Jesus Christ'  for you any better than Twilight. Why of all the secular calendars have you singled out the Twilight calendar.

Secondly, this season belongs to everyone - not just Christians. Christianity has hijacked the winter solstice in order to peddle the message of Jesus Christ, and it is by no means the first religion to do so. We don't mind you celebrating the birth of your saviour on the Winter solstice, as long as you don't try to stop people having their own non-christian celebrations. By claiming that non-christian themes should be banned during this festive period, this is exactly what you are doing.

Furthermore, on your website it says that "Christian Voice opposes the Racial and Religious Hatred Bill as an ILLIBERAL ATTACK ON FREEDOM OF SPEECH." I agree with you that all religions should be criticised, and that preventing people from doing so is an attack on freedom of speech. But then you go on to say that if the bill is passed you want to "Report Islamic bookstores for selling the Quran and Hadith" claiming that it is hate speech, yet you want to be able to continue to preach about how other religions lead you to be eternally tortured in hell. If this really is the Voice of Christians, then I'm thankful not to be amongst your ranks.

Happy Holidays,

David Craggs


I'll let you know if I get a reply.